Episode 7:

The Avocado entered the Beta Lugosi quadrant as Ensign Rockzanne stepped off the elevator onto the operations deck. She was starting to formulate a plan in her mind.

"We going to need a fully diversified away team," she thought. "We have a distress call on a foreign planet. We may have to handle anything from communications to combat. We'll also need medical and science officers."

"Do I get to carry a weapon?" asked Lieutenant Karasu eagerly. He had already gotten word that he would be part of the away team and was waiting for her on the operations deck. This freaked her out.

"What?"

"Do I get to carry a weapon?"

"No," she said curtly. "You can carry the cuff links." It was customary in RIPTIDE to present newly encountered species with cuff links. It was an odd but efficient practice. Many of the species they encountered did not have arms, let alone dress shirts. But cuff links were cheap and easy to carry, and if present with sufficient pomp, always seemed to impress.

"Buggers," pouted Karasu.

"I would like to hear your recommendations for a communications specialist," she offered. "The universal translator was able to convert the distress call into grammatical English, but it didn't make much sense. Communicating with this species may require more art than the computer can muster."

Before he could answer, the captain came on the intercom.

"Ensign, get back to the bridge. We're receiving another transmission."


End episode 7
Tim Scoggins

AVOCADO EPISODE 6:

"Roxzanne!" snapped the Captain.
"Do I have to inquire more than once? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
The Captain's jaws clattered menacingly as she looked slowly around
the bridge. Her multi-faceted gaze fell upon Lieutenant Millipede,
who nervously began twiddling four hundred and eighty of his thousand
thumbs.
The computer, astutely sizing up the situation, had fallen silent.
Roxzanne took a deep breath and stepped forward, aware as she did so
that the tip of her tail had begun to twitch uncontrollably.
"Sir!"
The Captain's gaze snapped back to Roxzanne.
Lieutenant Millipede, forgotten for the moment, instantly curled
tightly into a tiny spiral.
"Sir", Roxzanne continued, "We have encountered an object in deep
space. We are attempting to identify it. It seemed best, in light
of it's ...... uh .... unknown-ness .... to go to Condition Mauve as
a precautionary measure."
Everyone on the bridge held their breath.
The Captain stared at Roxzanne.
"That", Captain Arachna said finally, "is one of the most ridiculous
explanations I have ever heard".
A sigh escaped the watchers on the bridge.
"However", said the Captain, "it WAS a sensible precaution."
"Absolutely!" whispered Lieutenant Millipede
"Of course!" said Security Officer Ferret.
"No question about that!" piped Ensign Waterbug.
The Captain whipped about, staring. Her jeweled eyes (all of them)
narrowed.
"Hm! I thought I had ... well, never mind", she murmered. She
turned back to Ensign Roxzanne.
"Ensign! I'm assembling a team to investigate this anomaly! You're
in charge! You may select your team members, but I insist you include
Lieutenant Karasu as your liasion with me."
There was a silence on the bridge.
"Well? Get to it!" the Captain snapped. Roxzanne started.
"Of course, Captain!", she replied.
Turning away, Roxzanne considered her new situation.
Just a short while ago, she'd been low raccoon on the totem pole, and
now her assignment could lead who knew where!
Lieutenant Kazuhiro Karasu was an interesting choice, she mused,
stepping into the bridge elevator. He was certainly nice enough,
and he shared her fascination with bright, shiny objects, but on
the few occasions they had worked together, she had felt vaguely
disturbed. Somehow being smiled at by a six foot two recombinant-DNA
Japanese crow made her think of being trapped in a Hieronymus Bosch
painting. And his sometime penchant for rooting through the galley
trash was revolting .......
As the deck numbers flashed by, Roxzanne was thinking hard.
What would be the first task at hand ... uh, paw?


end of episode 6
t. kurjan
7/10/02 -- Japan

Avocado Episode 5

"Woop, Woop," screamed the computer, "Condition 'Red Light,' Woop - I
hope you're all getting this - Woop! Hippie bead force-field curtains
and anti-bad-vibe incense deployed. Activating spinning disco-dance
death-laser ball now. Self destruct sequence activated; self destruct
in L-minus fifteen years and counting. Recommendation: Doors song 'The
End' piped to all crew quarters along with high pressure release of
atomized downers to achieve the proper 'ambiance.'
Woop, woop, etcetera, " the computer wound down. "Ummm... Self
destruct in L-minus 14 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes, and
various seconds. Pascal! " he cursed, "I hope you're not expecting me
to keep this counting up forever. Woop, woop, and so forth, blah blah
blah," he finally ground to a halt.

"Oh, shit!" yelled Roxzanne, then - "Wait a minute - what's this
'L-minus fifteen years bit? What happened to T-minus..."

"Well," drawled the computer, "My research has determined that all the
GOOD words in the lexicon begin NOT with the letter 'T' - but with 'L' -
'Lecherous, Licentious, Libidinous, Lascivious...'

"Okay, okay," interrupted Rockzanne, "Never mind - but how come the
destruct sequence is set to 15 years instead of 15 minutes? - Not that
I'm complaining, mind you; I only MEANT to send us into condition Mauve.
"

"Oh!" responded the computer, beginning to retreat the disco-dance
ball, "It was something Captain Arachna ordered when Lieutenant
Ricki-Tiki-Taffy, our mongoose jump-space navigator first came aboard -
he was always hopping on the wrong buttons. As senior officer on the
bridge, you can countermand the order." Retraction of the mirror-sphere
stopped - "Would you like self destruct to commence immediately?"

"No, no, no, no NO!" yelled Ensign Rockzanne. Then, gathering herself,
crisply ordered "Set us to condition Mauve, NO self-destruct sequence,
NO disco-death laser ball, NO downers, and change the incense to
something other than patchouli; sandalwood would be nice." Then,
greatly daring, "Change Computer Personality Sequence from 'Obnoxious
Obstreperous' to something I can relate to - how about Silicon Valley
Girl?"

"Well, like OK, you know, if you're sure," responded 'Buffy, "Like, ok
you know, I've done all that tedious techie stuff you wanted, but like,
you know Condition Mauve like requires me to notify either Captain
Arachna (bless her venom dripping mandibles) or Security Officer
Fredegar 'Fridgedaire' Ferret.'
Which one do you, like, want, you know?"

"Five days!" Ensign Rockzanne growled, "Five days without notifying the
proper authorities." She was sure to be in trouble. She hated to
disturb Captain Arachna, who was probably still busy digesting a, well,
"Meal." (and whatever DID happen to Private Waterbug, anyway?) - but
the last time she'd brought something to the attention of Security
Officer Freddie "Fridgedaire" Ferret, he'd conducted a no-holds-barred
inspection of her lingerie drawers, and kept insisting that he needed to
inspect her 'Pouch' even after being told repeatedly that she wasn't a
marsupial.
"Well, the Captain, I guess, " Rockzanne finally responded, "Get ready
to replay the cabin video of the distress signal, and notify the Captain
that..."

The door to the bridge opened suddenly with a 'Swish-THUNK' (it was
clearly in need of some repair).
The Captain entered, all eight of her legs clicking eerily in the
sudden silence. Her mandibles started grinding sideways (never a good
sign) and unspeakable liquids and venom dripped from them. Her
multifaceted eyes flashed: "Just what the HELL is going on?" she
hissed.

"Well," Buffy responded brightly, "If you don't like Downers and Doors,
how about LSD and 'Ride of the Valkyries?" (examining the Captains
expression) - "MSG and Ravi Shankar?" (beginning to murmur) - Green Tea
and Barry Manilow?"

Ensign Rockzanne hid her face in her paws. This was just like the time
at the Academy when they were given sugar-cubes for lunch. The whole
thing was DISSOLVING, just like lunch at the sink.

- George - end of part 5 -

At warp five, they could reach the Beta Lugosi quadrant in less than four hours. Unfortunately, however, the Avocado could barely break light speed with a strong solar tailwind. So it took a week.

During that week, Rockzanne had plenty of time to think about the purple bird woman and the mysterious message. She was sure it was a distress call, mainly because of that "Help. I need somebody help," part. But what about that other stuff?

"Was the distress call from the purple bird woman, or is that just what radios look like on that planet?"

"Was she in danger from a spy in a suit? And if so, what is gabardine and what powers does it possess on her planet?"

"'We are stardust.' What the hell is that about? 'We are stardust.' Well, duh. I know we are stardust. It's not like we HAVEN'T been getting reruns of Carl Sagan for six centuries."

And the real question: "Did Tommy hear her?"

"What if Tommy did hear her? What if Tommy has already gotten to her? What if she called Tommy because she locked her keys in her car, and I blast out the cosmos a week later and they're like, 'Hey thanks, but we're ok.'"

Rockzanne was tired of the questions. She needed a break, and watching O'Reilly drip body parts on the floor was not going to cut it. So Rockzanne did what she always did in these situations. She put on the red light.

(Tim)
- end of part 4 -

Episode Three
"Get a grip on your self! Grab your ass with both hands Rockzane. I have the
audio portion. I can play it back in slo-mo. You were thrown off by the
unsynchronized beak movement. At least Millie Vanillin could pull it off.
Here, I will replay the message."

"Tommy, can you hear me?... Lost, on an open sky... She said the man in the
gabardine suit was a spy... Help. I need somebody help!... We are
stardust..."

"It is a distress call. A cry for help!" proclaims Rockzane. "And Who is
Tommy...and who is she?" Rockzane spaces out for a moment. (Pun intended?)
Then she shouts, "Take me to the source of the signal."

(Phil)

Episode Two:

"Well, don't just sit there and spit used electrons, put it on the screen!"
screamed Ensign Rockzanne. She sat forward in her seat and began pushing and
twisting knobs randomly on the console. Several broke off and their shiny
brilliance momentarily distracted her as she began tossing them back and
forth between her hands.

A wavy hazy image appeared on the hologram projector on the right, partially
overlaying whatever was left of the the left side of O'Reilly. The
non-obscured section of the screen showed a beautiful purple-feathered
bird-woman with a statue-of-liberty hat. Rockzanne assumed that the chirping
noise accompanying the image was the distress message although the sound did
not appear to be synced with the creature's rapidly moving beak.

"Move," hissed Rockzanne, throwing a brilliantly useless knob at O'Reilly.
The zombie lurched backward about the time the image disappeared.

"Where and how fast?" querried the computer.

"Not you, you idiot." The computer fell silent as did O'Reilly. Rockzanne
pounded her fist against the chair arm.
"Replay that distress signal."

"Unable to comply," responded the computer. "The message appears to have
been a receipt and delete message. I do still have the sound recording from
the cabin, however."

A receipt and delete message! Rockzanne was intrigued - she had only heard
of receipt/deletes in the stories the old-timers spun in the back room of
local bars. Those words conjured up images of covert government actions and
underworld spies.

Penny
End of of Episode Two

Episode One:

Stardate 3.14159 & 3/17th's:

It was a dark and stormy nebula crossing, and Ensign Rockzanne of the Royal
Inter-Planetary Toughcritters Idealogically Determined Expititionary service
(Riptide) was feeling much put upon.
- Yes, I know I should feel proud that, as the lowest ranking officer of Her
Majesty's scoutship "Avocado," that I'm in charge of the bridge during the
"Dead Shift." And, computer, never mind the fact that all the crew members
nominally under my command are, in fact, actually Dead and decaying Zombies
who've been re-animated with surgically implanted computer chips connected
to this three-thousand one-hundred and forty-seven button remote control
device that's looped around my neck like a cyber-bath soap-on-a-rope.

- But I haven't slept in 72 hours, and these dark bands around my eyes
aren't JUST because I'm a genetically modified, evolutionary uplifted scion
of the Raccoon species. I'm damned tired. That's what it is, and do you
know what the WORST of it is? Soup. (Bursting into tears). Tonight at the
Captain's mess, we had Soup.
Querrelously, rising into a shriek: Do you know how hard it is to wash
SOUP?

- So now I'm tired AND hungry, and the only thing to eat on the bridge is
whatever falls off of Zombie Corpseman O'Reilly over there, who hasn't been
the same since that time he was ordered to the kitchen to peel potatoes when
we were, in fact, completely OUT of potatoes. (Flicking something from the
arm of her chair with disgust) - It wouldn't be so bad if the little slivers
of himself would either stay attached or just all fall off at once!

Computer: "There, there, Ensign. There, there."

- Oh! THANK You, computer! I didn't know you cared...

Computer: "No, There... THERE! See it on the 3-D plot? There's a distress
signal coming in from quadrant Beta Lugosi..."

(George)
End of Episode One: